I am traveling this week, visiting my amazing family. In honor of them, this week on my blog was intended to be a time of looking back, celebrating my parent’s influence, support and love in my life.
But this week of travel held unexpected sorrow, causing me to hit “pause” on my current blog series.
I feel like we’re friends here. Can I use this space to process my heart with you?
Although I hadn’t made an official “social media” announcement, my family and I have been thrilled about expecting our fourth baby’s arrival in December of 2013.
The first 17 weeks of my pregnancy seemed to go by quickly and beautifully. But on Thursday, I woke up not feeling well. By the end of the day, I found myself in the ER. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the nurses and doctors were unable to hear a heartbeat, then as I waited in silence for what seemed like ages while the sonographer carefully looked for signs of life. I went to the hospital expectant, and left empty.
Our sweet baby is in heaven, and my heart is clinging to the God who knows best.
I am tired, sore, and teary, but I am thankful. Mostly I am thankful for the foundation of trust the Lord has built into my heart, year by year, layer by layer. I really do trust Him- even in this.
In the midst of this heartbreak, I’ve realized that there are two things about God’s nature that I hold onto when everything is unraveling around me:
1. God is loving.
2. God is good.
HE IS LOVING…
He is God, and I am not, and I love the sense of dependence as I belong fully to such a loving God. I trust Him with my life, and I am trusting Him with the life of my baby. I trust that He loves me in a radical way; so radical that His sort of love actively and consistently contends for my very best and for the best of each of my babies. I believe that the depth of His love is more intense than I can begin to comprehend, and that it’s more trustworthy than I could even imagine.
HE IS GOOD…
I once met a woman who said the most important thing for her kids to know in life, is that in all things, and at all times, God is good. My heart burned as she spoke, because I wanted that same depth of trust in God’s goodness for my heart and for my kids’ hearts.
And through this current sorrow, He is proving Himself to be good. He is proving to me, that over the years, His Spirit has done a deep work of trust in my frail and often fearful heart.
I saw this grace played out as I sat on the emergency room stretcher, surrounded by a blue curtain and the noise of emergency room chaos. Our wait was long, and I knew that good news was not likely to come, but as we waited, all I could think about, and through my tears, all I could say to Wyatt, was that God is good. Even when I don’t understand, I believe that He is good.
And as I walk through this ache of loss, I am comforted with the deep, unexplainable peace of my good God.
He has done a gracious work in my heart, and His goodness and His love are my soul’s anchor. I am thankful that I don’t have to figure it all out. So right now, as I sit up in bed for the first time in two days, I’m keeping it simple: He is loving, He is good, and I trust Him.
Thanks for listening, dear friends. For now, I will walk on, trusting His big love and His proven goodness to hold me and heal me.
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.”
Praying this reality will be the echo of my heart and life, in all things. Amen.
*I know I am not alone in this experience, and my heart goes out to all my dear friends who have felt this tender loss. I am lifting you up to Jesus, even now as I write.
(I will continue my series on the “best gifts my parents gave me” at some point, but for now, I am just thankful to be in the comfort of my childhood home, recovering with the support of my precious husband, kids, parents and extended family. Thank you for your prayers and love.)